There are only so many types of gifts you can get someone for Christmas: toys, jewelry, clothes, a vacation, a car, some money for the prison commissary. There are only so many. Everyone knows better than to buy a fruit cake, but these aren't much better. Here are some classes of gifts that you should never buy from ever again. Get a little bit more creative next time, and everyone in your life will be a lot happier.
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A Tie
Really? A tie? A fucking tie? That is the best you could do? Of all the gifts in God's green malls you went and bought the man in your life the most clichéd piece of neck silk imaginable. Great, a tie. Where do you wear ties? To work. What does everyone hate? Their job. You just gave someone something that reminds them of something they hate. Congrats. You ruined Christmas.Donald Trump Tahitian Pearl Tie: $29.75 [Macy's]
Celebrity Perfume
Buying someone perfume or cologne for Christmas isn't such a bad idea, other than the fact that you're saying the other person stinks and he needs to cover it up. But if you do go this route, do not buy a celebrity perfume. There has never been one that smelled good. Period. Have you ever caught of whiff of someone pleasant-smelling and asked what they were wearing and they said "Circus Fantasy by Britney Spears" (which is a real thing). No, they did not, because as sure as the sun will rise and the Dow Jones will fall, celebrity perfumes will be putrid.Celebrity Fragrance Collection: $500 [Perfumania]
Sex Toys
You think that you're going to buy your partner something fun and kinky to spice up your life and get them to have sex with you. What the recipient thinks is, "You think I can't give blow jobs and I need a Blow Guard." Or, "You're not satisfied with what I do in the bedroom so we need some piece of plastic to make us happy?" Or, "There is no way I'm ruining all the hard work I did decorating this apartment so you can ruin it with some stupid sex swing." Just don't. This is not sexy, and neither is Christmas. Save this for Valentine's Day. If you want to buy your partner something that will make them have more sex with you, try expensive jewelry, a car, a trip to Paris, or some other lavish token. That will get them putting out no problem. If you want to buy a sex toy, just buy one as a present to yourself for "private time." For boys, I recommend the Tenga Flip Hole. It is seriously better than blow jobs.Blowguard: $19.99 [Blowguard]
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Anything Intangible
Please do not adopt me an animal. Please do not name a star after me. Please do not give me the gift of charity in a cause you believe in but I don't. You have to give me something real. You have to have something to wrap. Don't you know Christmas is about stuff? This also goes for those kids who give their moms coupons for "time." Never have one of those been redeemed in the creation of humanity. At least make her a damn macaroni picture frame or some shit. Seriously.Name a Star: $14.95 [Starnamer]
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iPod
Whenever there is a $50 Secret Santa or that is the limit put on gift exchanging someone has the brilliant idea to buy a iPod. What is this? 2002? This is such a hackneyed idea. Did you even spend more than seven seconds thinking about it? I hate to break it to you, but everyone who wants an iPod, already has a damn iPod. If they don't have one, they either have some sort of device to play their music (and probably organize their calendar, make phone calls, connect to the internet, order them eggs, and tell them they're pretty too) or they don't have the technology possible to put the songs onto the iPod or are too old to figure out how to operate it. Don't ever buy one of these as a gift ever again. Ever.iPod Shuffle: $49.99 [Apple]
